Do you see someone else being bullied? Or maybe it’s a friend of yours being picked on? We know sometimes its really hard to know what to do, the best way to go about fixing it or how to comfort them after it has happened.
If you know somebody who is being bullied, it’s important that you let them know that they can talk to you about it. It can be stressful to see a friend or relative go through bullying, but help is available.
In our research, we found that almost half of us have experienced bullying at one point or another. Given what a high number of people that is, it is still very common to be on the receiving end of advice that although means well, isn’t always very helpful.
It is important to spend time with them and try to do things that will boost their self-esteem and confidence. But remember, it is also important that you remember to look after yourself as well and don’t take too much on.
Almost half of those who experience bullying never tell anybody through fear or embarrassment.
The Dos and Dont’s:
We also know that an alarmingly high number of us never report it and suffer in silence instead. If a friend or loved one does decide to open up to you and share what they are going through, sometimes it is hard to know how to appropriately respond.
With this mind we have compiled a list of things to avoid saying to them, as well as a helpful alternative:
1. Don’t say: ‘Ignore it’
This old chestnut can be very damaging. Being told to ignore something that is causing you stress and anxiety is not helpful. Ignoring the bullying unsurprisingly doesn’t actually work and saying something like this might stop them from sharing anything else in the future. This could have a serious effect on their mental health and lead to things such as depression, and more extreme outcomes.
Do say: ‘Let’s talk about it’
This is a way more helpful and compassionate response. Feeling like your voice is being heard is extremely important as it makes us feel less alone. It also lets us know that someone cares and is interested in what’s going on in our life, without looking to fix or dismiss the problem.
Wonder why people bully in the first place? Check out this article:
2. Don’t say: ‘It’s just a part of growing up’
Whilst experiencing bullying growing up is all too common, it does not mean you have to accept it as a rite of passage. Saying this also offers no advice on how to deal with the problem at hand.
Do say: ‘What’s been going on?’
This question gives the person the opportunity to talk honestly and openly if they wish to get what’s bothering them off of their chest.
3. Don’t say: ‘Stop being so sensitive’
This piece of advice is particularly harmful. It implies it is their reaction to the bullying that is the problem, and that if they were less ‘sensitive’ the issue would magically disappear. This is not the case. You also might embarrass them by referring to their reaction to the situation as ‘sensitive’ as it implies they are overreacting. This might stop them speaking up and seeking help in the future.
Do say: ‘It ok to feel upset/angry’ etc
You need to reassure them that whatever they are feeling is perfectly normal and natural. Try and make them understand that there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings – all we really need to do is acknowledge them.
4. Don’t say: ‘Just stand up for yourself’
As a piece of advice, this doesn’t work for a few reasons. It can make the person feel powerless as they might not feel able to stand up for themselves or know how to go about standing up themselves. They might also be fearful of the consequences.
Do say: “I’m here for you, what do you want to do about it?”
This lets the person know you care and that you want to help them through this tough situation and most importantly, it is not their fault.
5. Don’t say: ‘Fight back’
Bullying isn’t always something you can meet with force as it can very easily spiral out of control. Often reacting in an aggressive manner can make the situation worse and can put them at risk of physical harm. If they feel it is a safe and appropriate action to take, maybe encourage them to try talking to the person who is doing the bullying.
Remind them to challenge the behaviour, not the person – so instead of accusing the person of being a ‘bully’, explain why their actions or words are causing distress.
For example, instead of saying “you’re upsetting me”, they could say “what you said/did has upset me”. It might be appropriate to suggest that a teacher or responsible adult hosts a mediation between them. A mediation can feel scary for those involved but is often incredibly powerful; it is essentially a face-to-face conversation between the person who is being bullied and the person doing the bullying in a controlled, equal environment.
Do say: ‘How can we deal with this together?’
Understandably it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture when you are being attacked and therefore they might feel like they are facing the problem alone, with no one they can depend on for support.
Your friendship could make all the difference to them right now. Spend time with them, make sure they know they are not alone and try to do things that will boost their self-esteem and confidence. It’s important that they still look after their health and maintain a good diet, exercise and things like meditation and yoga. It is also important that you remember to look after yourself as well and don’t take too much on.
6. Don’t say: ‘Just avoid them’
By saying this, you are minimising and undermining the problem. It is also not realistic to think that these situations can be easily avoided. It is better to acknowledge what is happening and try to think of ways to combat or resolve the bullying.
Do say: ‘You don’t deserve to be treated like this’
Remind them that they deserve to be treated with respect. Often people who are bullied can feel like a ‘victim’ but it’s important that they don’t disempower themselves and let the bullying dictate who they are. They need to find ways to regain control, confidence and self-esteem – we have a great guide on how you can rebuild your self-esteem here.
Remind them as often as you can that they are worthy, in control and that things will get better. Head to our blog to read stories of how people have overcome similar situations and gone on to do great things, it will help reassure them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
7. Don’t say: ‘Telling someone will just make it worse, so don’t bother’
Almost 1 in 2 young people who experience bullying never tell anybody for this very reason. A mixture of embarrassment, fear and a lack of faith in the current support systems stops people reaching out. Please don’t encourage someone to suffer in silence.
Do say: ‘Talk to someone you trust.’
It can feel exposing and uncomfortable talking about our experiences of being bullied, that’s why talking to someone we trust can make a difference.
It is important they share with someone what they are going through – they shouldn’t go through something like this alone as it is extremely stressful, and can be emotionally draining to endure bullying.
This stress can have an impact on all areas of your life, including your mental well-being, ability to communicate with others, performance in school/work, self-esteem and confidence.
It is therefore incredibly important that they tell somebody they trust about what they are going through; it doesn’t even have to be an adult – it could be a friend or somebody at Ditch the Label. It is vital, during a traumatic time, that they have a support system and people who they can rely on when they are feeling low, or unable to cope.
Bullying may not be obvious
When we think of bullying, we often think of images of physical abuse or name-calling, but it can be much more subtle than that. If you notice someone always seems to be excluded from things, is the butt of the joke more often than not, is humiliated frequently under the guise of ‘banter’ or is often made fun of behind their back by a large group of people; these are all signs that bullying is occurring.
Generally, if you get the gist that someone is being treated or talked about in a not-very-nice way repeatedly, this is a form of bullying, which can have a very negative impact on the mental health of the person being bullied. It can be difficult to know what to do next in this situation, and so here are some steps you can take if you think bullying is happening in your community.
Try to include other people
Often the person being bullied is someone without many friends. By trying to include people who seem alone, even if those people aren’t generally viewed as ‘cool’ or aren’t accepted by the group, you can make it less easy for them to be targeted. Perpetrators of bullying tend to pick on lonely people, so by forming a support network, you help protect against the bullying. Also, generally, it’s kind to include people who are treated as outcasts, and nice to make new friends.
If an act of bullying is occurring, get the person away from the situation and check if they’re okay
All this means is finding an excuse to leave alongside the victim and taking them somewhere safe to make sure they’re okay. Remind them that no one deserves to be made miserable, and everyone has the right to be happy. Ask them what they need in order for that to be true for them.
At first, support the person affected by bullying with what they personally feel they need in order to feel better about the situation, even if you think there is a better course of action. Doing something drastic too soon could upset them and alienate them from your support.
Stand up to the perpetrator if the person affected is too afraid
This is the part that some people find daunting, but don’t worry. A really simple way to completely derail an act of bullying is just to let them know that what they’re doing isn’t funny. By showing that the person affected has your support, and pointing out that the perpetrator is in the wrong, you make other bystanders less likely to continue to take the wrong side or stand by.
Help them build up the courage to speak to someone
Often, the person affected will not want to speak to an adult in fear of worsening the problem, and so helping them build up the courage to do so can be really important. Evaluate the different options, e.g school nurse, school counsellor, head of year, trusted teacher, parent, even a hotline or charity such as Ditch the Label. Discuss the options that would provide emotional support, such as counselling. Even with your efforts, they will need some form of support, even if they do not want direct intervention at this point.
If bullying continues, speak to a teacher or trusted adult
If the bullying continually occurs, here is where you must reach out to a teacher or trusted adult, especially if you feel that someone is in danger. Simply find an adult you trust and explain the situation. This part can be difficult, since it can feel as though you are betraying the person affected if they don’t want to tell anyone, but you must do it anyway for the sake of their own safety – it is in their interest that you must alert someone of authority.
Even if you’re worried they’ll have a negative reaction to it, it is more important that they are safe and also that you are not the only person they have to depend upon, and that the burden is not solely on your hands.
The most important thing to offer is friendship. Be kind to others and you will set an example.
By demonstrating your kindness towards not just the person affected but to others in general, you set an example for others to follow. A large reason why perpetrators of bullying are successful is because they set a precedent for others to join in with them. By demonstrating a kinder approach, people will be less inclined to follow the person they know is in the wrong. By showing friendship and kindness you help to create a kinder environment.
Remember to always keep your own mental health in mind when dealing with a bullying situation, and if it becomes difficult to support someone on your own, make sure to reach out to an adult who is better equipped to handle the situation and can give your friend the support they need.
Read more on our bullying support hub here.
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