How To Deal With Racist Parents

We know we should never have to write about this kind of thing. Instead of teaching people ‘how to deal with it’ we should be teaching people ‘how not to be racist’. Telling someone how to deal with racism, implies that the problem lies with the person on the receiving end, not the perpetrator.

Unfortunately we live in a world where racism does exist and we do need to talk about it.

Dealing with racist parents is really difficult. Very few people actually acknowledge their own racism and families are challenging and complicated things. Talking about race is hard, and talking about it with a family member who has a history of negative racial stereotypes is harder still.

So, let’s start with the fundamentals:

What is racism?

Well, according to our trusted friend Google, the definition of racism is ‘Prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one’s own race is superior’.

Prejudice – if you break it down, is a ‘pre-judgement’ of a person or group of people. It refers to the act of assuming something about someone based on their appearance or demeanour before actually finding out anything about them as a person.

For example, assuming that an Asian person is good at maths would be a prejudiced assumption. Actively hating an Asian person because they are Asian, is racism.

Most of the time, racism comes from ignorance. Feeling threatened or being unfamiliar with a particular race or culture can lead to racist behaviours. Racist behaviours include physical attacks, verbal abuse, damage to property, racist jokes, unwanted comments towards someone’s race, culture or religion, threats and online abuse.

Racism is a learnt behaviour, no one is born racist.

It is important to know that a public display of racism is an illegal hate crime.

So, your parents are racist?

Racism seems to be more common among older generations. This by no means, excuses racist behaviour. Often with older people, it can be as simple as unintentionally using an outdated term to refer to a person’s race or group of people – with no real offence intended.

Sometimes, however, it can be much more than this. Whether it is a nasty comment, assumption or outright abuse, if a parent or adult in your life is being racist, here are a few things you can try to tackle it.

They are the problem.

First up, remember that it is their problem, not the person or people who are at the receiving end. Secondly, always remember that you are not your parents. Use your critical thinking and remember that your opinions do not have to match those of your parents.

If it feels safe to do so, challenge them.

This is difficult especially if you are young and trying to speak to an older person about their racist behaviour. Try explaining that when they use racist language, it offends you. Even if you are not the subject of the comment, explain that you find this language offensive and so do other people. Try to explain why. Don’t be too quick to label them as a racist; instead use this as an opportunity to educate them.

It’s likely that they’ll get defensive.

People don’t like being told that they are wrong. In fact, people don’t like to hear that they are being offensive. The vast majority of the time, people won’t even think that they are being racist. Start by suggesting that they use the correct terms.

Walk away.

We’ve all been there. The heated discussion at the dinner table which turns into a full-blown row. We’re powerless over other people’s behaviour but we can educate them by leading by example. Just to reiterate, only ever challenge them if it feels safe to do so. If you don’t succeed, walk away and try a different approach some other time, once the dust settles.

Stay aware.

Get educated and make sure you’ll be able to spot it when it does happen. Instead of randomly bringing it up with them out of the blue, wait until they say something and if appropriate, give them an example as to why it is offensive. Most importantly, be an ally.

If you need more advice, join the community to talk it out with other members of the Ditch forum or get advice from a Ditch the Label digital mentor.